


Please read the rules

by Lighthopperhoop



Category: RWBY
Genre: Crack, Lists, Out of Character Moments, characters being stupid, one way or another
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:54:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24943420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lighthopperhoop/pseuds/Lighthopperhoop
Summary: While freedom of self and expression are encouraged at Beacon Academy sometimes even the staff has to crack down on the rules. Crackfic.
Relationships: Hahaha you wish
Comments: 3
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

Prelude - Here at Beacon Academy we are the proud and the few, we are the ones who have combated the darkness and survived, and are the ones who train those who will fight it after we are gone, our fighters are the elite of nations of proud people, each one a shining example of individuality, pride, and power. We take great strides to afford us all our space and time here to grow and become more than just warriors, to become Huntsmen and Huntresses, so we seek to give direction while also leaving our students with freedom of self here. 

So it is with great duty and disdain that I put up this letter of guidelines, amendments, and rules to follow here. I’m sad that I must do this, but you all have brought this upon yourselves. Please read closely and carefully as it contains rules that affect your day to day life along with the punishments that you will receive if broken. 

Good day and good hunting to you all,

Headmaster Ozpin.

1\. Do not mention the words ‘White Fang’, or ‘Adam Taurus’ around Ms. Belladonna or you will be the one to find her this time, the rest of team RWBY has better things to do than look for her. You will also help her make up any work she missed; And if she does bad, so do you. 

\- Mr. Arc has yet to get his grades back up to a C average, it appears Ms. Belladonna is fairly disinterested in helping him help her.

2\. Do not approach Ms. Xiao-Long cackling madly while holding any of the following objects; Scissors, Electric Razor, Straight Razor, Shaving cream, rope, a rag, and then ask if said rag, 

‘Smells like chloroform?”

, you will be held responsible for the ensuing property damage, medical bills, digging yourself out from the rubble, and then coaxing Ms. Xiao-Long out of hiding after her panic attack and fight response. 

\- Mr. Arc is still in a cast, and working weekends here to pay off the damages.

\- No, Ms. Xiao-Long does not have a flight response. Just an anger and property damage response. No, we don’t know why she was hiding either, don’t ask Mr. Arc though that would just be encouraging him.

3\. Do not approach Ms. Schnee dressed as a doctor, look at her, scribble down onto a notepad ‘Diagnosis: Daddy Issues’ with a bill at the end and then hand it to her.

If you do, you will be held responsible for your medical bill along with two weeks detention with Deputy Headmistress Goodwitch going over proper behavior. 

-Mr. Arc is still unable to see the color white without dodging or hear out of either of his ears.

4\. Do not taunt Ms. Rose with freshly baked homemade strawberry and chocolate chip cookies, then purposely hide said cookies from Ms. Rose, telling her she can have them if she finds them, she has a nose like a bloodhound and she will find them, you will be held responsible for the property damage and her ensuing sugar coma; one hour of community service for every cookie you hid. 

-Once again Mr. Arc is working off his debt to the school, I feel like I’m getting to know him.

5\. Do not challenge Ms. Nikos to a duel or you will find yourself at her mercies, which contrary to popular belief she has very little of, after you are released from the nurses' office you will face supplementary lessons from Prof. Port who will cover everything you missed  **_personally_ ** . 

-Mr. Arc’s X-Ray showed very little pelvis left intact. 

-The terror has also not yet left his eyes. 

-Please remember students for Ms. Nikos to accept a duel, something must be wagered, and something must be lost. Please word your wager,  **_very_ ** ,  **_carefully_ ** .

6\. Do not challenge Ms. Valkyrie to an eating contest,  _ you will lose _ , you will be responsible for the damages, food expenses, and her resulting stomach pump. 

-Mr. Arc came surprisingly close to winning surprisingly enough.

-Mr. Arc, are you trying to set a record? I assure you, you will not beat the team STRQ record. Still, it’s nice to have someone to talk to on the weekends.

7\. Do not sneak into the locker rooms to see if Mr. Ren is, quote ‘Actually packing heat down there,’ this counts as sexual harassment and you will be fined, and we will not be held responsible for what Ms. Valkyrie should do to you. One month detention with Deputy Headmistress Goodwitch 

-Mr. Arc are you okay? I have made more mistakes than anyone, you can confide in me. 

-I can even offer pointers on your combat style if you’d like.

8\. Do not make Mr. Arc swear on his word as a prank to see how far he will go, as he, and this bears repeating, **_will go to_** **_any length_** to make good on it. You will be held responsible for any damage his team makes while looking for him or any damages he causes whilst upholding his word. 

-So for the love of your fellow huntsman help us look for him before his team gets any antsier, Mr. Arc is still looking for that golden snitch and we have yet to find him. We fear that they may start blood sacrifices soon.

-P.S. Mr. Winchester, you may have won the battle, but they know it was you now, thanks to an anonymous tip, I’d start running if I were you.

-P.P.S. Mr. Arc, please come back soon, I-, We miss you, and your punishment will lessen when you come back, that said, you still have two-week detention with Ms. Goodwitch for unauthorized leave of school ground for a week. 


	2. The Spooky Chapter I

A word from Headmaster Ozpin,

When I put up this list last week I did so in hopes that it would encourage you, students, to improve your behavior and create a better place for learning and growth. I did not expect you all to try and top yourselves to get on the list. I am very sad and sorely ashamed in you all that it requires me to add more to this list.

9\. The Emerald Forest is not haunted, but do not dare your fellow huntsman and huntress to go in at midnight, when the Grimm are more active and dangerous. Doing so will result in an endangerment charge against you or worst if something happens. Going by yourself will result in two weeks of detention with Miss. Goodwitch and Prof. Port.

\- No, the ghost of Jaune Arc doesn’t haunt the woods that’s just hearsay.

\- No, we still haven't found him. But, that does not mean he’s a ghost.

\- Just because you can hear him moaning does not mean he’s a ghost, please help him if you hear him.

10\. No, I am not a robotic replacement from Atlas made by their Bourgeoisie or Gen. Ironwood. Any such accusations will not be tolerated. Two hours of sparring with me to allow you to see how much flesh and blood I truly am. 

\- Stop trying to sneak into my Office, Ms. Valkyrie, I do not want to give you another broken arm.

\- Do not make Mr. Ren try to sneak in there, I don't want to give him a broken arm.

11\. I am not a vampire, please stop throwing holy water at me. You will pay for my dry cleaning, spilled coffee, and I will not be held responsible for my reflexes

\- That does not mean you should try and stake me. My aura would protect me anyway. I will charge you for assault, however. 

\- Why assault? None of you, children are anywhere close to my level.

\- Ms. Rose, I know you're not religious, but even you should know not to hold a cross upside down.

\- I am not a zombie either. I am much worse.

12\. There is no twelve, stop asking questions you aren’t ready to hear the answer too.

\- In my time I have seen the greatest mountains, the widest seas, the darkest days, and brightest dawns. My journey has taken me far, wide, up and down, and now led me to the Beacon. My quest for prestige, honor, and power has taken me to fight the eldest Grimm, the most skilled warriors, the most powerful dust mages, and stranger things still. I was still not ready for such knowledge, and neither are you, children. - Peter.

13\. The west wing is not haunted by the souls of dead students. Don’t go walking there after midnight though, Peter likes to occasionally skinny dip at the pool there. That’s probably where the screams come from. No punishment to add, the sight alone is scarring enough.

\- The horror, THE HORROR! It’s nothing but back hair and oily flesh . . . I thought there could never be too much hair, I was wrong! WRONG! - YANG.

14\. Please be careful in the school's catacombs, they are fraught with danger and things I do not wish to speak of if you go down there be sure to take your team with you and be prepared to fight more than just Grimm. There is no punishment for going there, besides the experience itself.

\- Worse, it has plaid! - Coco.

\- You’re forgetting the flesh golems, and horrors that man or Faunus was not meant to see - Fox.

\- Plaid **_is_** a horror, man, or Faunus wasn’t supposed to see! - Coco.

  1. Please don’t do blood sacrifices in your room, go to the science lab or the catacomb-like the rest of us. You will pay for the cleaning bill, regardless of where you leave a mess or stain.



\- If you have heard screaming come from Team JNPR room, they are likely doing some occult ritual to locate their leader, we have tried to get them to stop, but they have found some success so far, so as long as they put up some soundproofing and clean up after rituals, I will allow them to continue.

\- Yes, you may do arcane rituals at your discretion. Just clean up afterward, soundproof the ritual site, and should you summon any eldritch creature it’s your job to take care of it. The staff and I will only step in if the situation reaches the Grimmzilla threshold. 

\- On a related note, we are one step closer to finding Mr. Arc, he is somewhere Mistral.

  1. Do not dare your fellow huntsman and huntress to ride the horse next to the river on campus, that is not a horse. It is much worse. Should I find out you have done so I will beat you like a dead horse.



\- A moment of respect for Team FADR.


	3. The Sexual Harassment Chapter I

Another Message from Headmaster Ozpin,

Children, for that, is what you are to me right now, I was hoping you all were sensible enough for me not to have me make a list of guidelines regarding sexual conduct here a Beacon, yet again I was proven wrong. Well, let's begin, shall we?

Students, please remember these three words. Safe. Sane. Consensual. If I need to explain what these mean to you please reconsider being at Beacon. Sex is good, sex is great, but don’t force it on someone, or do something dangerous to do them, Aura is a wonderous thing but even it has limits, don’t try and find them only to go too far and have to explain to the Nurse Woodgrove how it happened. She is much less tolerant than I am regarding teenage foolishness.

Please, also remember we supply condoms of all sizes and birth control. If you read the student handbook you should know where they are.

  
  


  1. Do not call Mr. Ren a, ‘Androgynous Mistrailian Fuckboy,’ followed by ‘How much for you to spit on me?’, you will be charged with sexual harassment.


  * We also will not be held responsible for what the remaining team JNPR does to you.


  * Mr. David has yet to recover and has taken leave for the remainder of the month.



  1. Do not slap someone on the ass and say “Boop.” as a way to get away with sexual harassment. It still counts.


  * Ms. Xiao-Long, you are not an exception.
  * Ms. Belladonna, you are not an exception.
  * NO ONE is an exception!



  1. Do not mention the word ‘Bellabooty,’ to Ms. Belladonna, you will be charged with sexual harassment.


  * We don’t care if everyone calls it that. It’s still impolite.
    * We will not be held responsible for what Team RWBY will do-, What do you mean they call it that too?!
    * Fine, but have some tact everyone.



  1. Call Miss Goodwitch a dominatrix at your peril. I find this sentence explains itself and the punishment self-explanatory.


  * Why Ms. Polendina, Why? Why would you think that was a good idea?  
\- An Idea worth doing is, is an Idea worth having. - Penny
  * Fair enough.



  1. Mr. Wukongs abdominal area being in full exposure is due to medical condition, not because he’s easy. Getting grabby with a man is as much sexual harassment to them, as it would be with a woman. You will be charged with Sexual Harassment, followed by a seminar by Ms. Goodwitch on Sexual Conduct and, a handwrote apology to Mr. Wukong.


  * Ms. Zedong staring at him through your scope does not improve your situation.
  * Do not believe what Neptune says May, Sun he’s a paper tiger regarding the fairer sex- Sage.



  1. Mr. Winchester may have a spotty track record but he is trying his best to improve, so when we find out who’s been drawing pictures of him together with various other students here, mostly Mr. Arc, and spreading the pictures they will suffer the consequences.


  * Note, Mr. Winchester has offered a bounty of 1,000 Lien to find the perpetrator.
  * Ms. Belladonna, I had thought better of you. Enjoy your thousand Lien Ms. Xiao-long and Ms. Schnees, don’t do anything too unlawful.



  1. Ms. Belladonna, I don’t care what they’re calling art these days but what your reading isn't. If you're going to read porn out in public the least you could do is not make it obvious, or not get angry when someone criticizes your taste.


  * Belladonna your taste in ships is garbage, Hiiro is way better suited for Hime than he is for Neko. - Coco.
  * Blasphemy! You're a blind whore! - Nightshade Ninja.
  * Is that your oc? Lol. - Coco



  1. Please, remember that Ms. Rose is only fifteen, and that is not the age of consent, which is sixteen. You will be charged in a court of your peers, and Ms. Xiao-Long. 


  * For the love of your fellow Huntsmen team CRDL stop letting Mr. Bronzewing dig a deeper grave. Ms. Xiao-Long has killed before and she will do so again.
  * Look, we would if could, but Dove has dug too deep, and Xiao-long scares us. Plus we’re still looking for Jauney-Boy. - Cardin.
  * He’s somewhere in upper Mistral, you are here in Beacon. - Weiss.
  * Yep, which is where we're going before Dove can dig a mass grave for the team. - Cardin.




	4. The Fighting Rules Chapter I

A message to all student from Deputy Headmistress Goodwitch -

I did not think there would come a day when I would have to explain to you children what constitutes a valid, winning strategy in my classroom, as all you would have to do is abide by what is known as common sense and logic. But, apparently, there have been one too many cuts to the combat school budgets in these times of peace. 

So, today I will add onto this list a number of students who have singled themselves out for displaying improper tactics in my class, please do not emulate them. Or you shall receive the punishment listed underneath them.

If you understand, please continue reading on; If you have not please consider dropping out, an illiterate huntsman is a poorly paid huntsman.

  1. Ms. Rose, when you are selected to fight in my class running to the back of the audience and taking potshots at your opponent is in poor taste, and incredibly hazardous to your fellow students. 



Punishment: Detention discussing proper Tournament Style Combat.

  * That said, as a sniper with a speed semblance, I approve of the cleverness of the strategy if you keep to your strengths and apply them well you will have a bright future for yourself. Just remember that my class is to improve your combat ability, not just to win. You cannot always win by being clever, or running away, on the topic of that, Ms. Belladonna...



  1. Ms. Schnee, I am very disappointed to find that you have been trying to bribe your opponents to take a dive. Do not attempt this strategy anymore in my class, and we shall not have any more problems.



Punishment: Any bribes that are discovered will be confiscated, any who have taken or given a bride will then have one week of afterschool fighting lessons with me.

  * That said, I do applaud your use of your monetary assets to avoid a fight. Not all fights are worth fighting and sometimes the ability to get out of one is worth its weight in lien.



  1. Ms. Xiao-Long, grabbing a fellow student before a match and throwing them at your opponent is not only reckless, inefficient, endangering to your fellow allies, but breaks any potential comradery between you and the one who you threw, also it’s very rude.



Punishment: One-Week of community service.

  * No, I don't care if it was Mr. Bronzewing, or that he deserves it for being “A lolicon, piece of human garbage weeaboo.”
  * On another note, if you should ever find a situation without any allies and surrounded by enemies, it is a very strong strategy to implement as I have personally found. 



  1. Ms. Belladonna, while in some circumstances running away may be the best option, such as facing a vastly superior opponent, or to regrouping with allies, or to strike when an enemy's back is turned . . . Running away to chase a red laser pointer is not something I can condone.



Punishment: One week of Discipline training.

  1. MR.ARC! Please get a hold of your team- … He’s still not back?! Where is he now? I thought Mr. Winchester and his two lackeys went after him? … Lower Mantle? How?!



Well, Let us forget Mr. Arc for the moment and move onto another example.

29.2 Mr. Wukong, while I applaud your creativity, using your clones to fight while you attempt to flirt with Belladonna, badly I might add, is not a valid usage of your semblance in my class.

Punishment: One week of Discipline Training.

  * No, I don’t care that you won anyway. Frankly, anybody can beat Ms. Schnee, even Mr. Arc, in fact, especially Mr. Arc.
  * On another note, your semblances potential is quite vast, I recommend attempting to gain better control over your clones so you may be able to fulfill multiple objectives at once. Instead of just sitting back and letting them fight for you.



  1. Ms. Valkyrie, I know you must miss your leader, but shouting “Viva la Revolution” at the top of your lungs, which is quite loud I might add, and shooting your grenades at me to avoid fighting your partner is quite extreme even if you had a fairly good reason, to quote “We can’t afford to lose the chef, while the backup chef is away!”



Punishment: The broken collar bone should be enough for now, but next time I’m taking away your hammer for a month.

  * On another note next time you try to assassinate an enemy leader keep in mind silence is golden. Oh dear, I hope I haven’t signed my death warrant.



  1. Ms. Nikos, I know you miss your leader, but stop destroying the flat screen in the arena so you don’t have to fight so you can go back to sulking.



Punishment: Paying for the damaged electronics. Detention.

  * Yes, you are sulking.
  * That also does not mean destroy your opponent's weapons just to go back to sulking.
  * Yes, you are still sulking.
  * I yield, after what you have done to Mr. Black I would rather you be sulking than actively trying to kill your opponents.
  * You never stopped sulking, so yes you are still sulking.



  1. Mr. Ren, I know you are tired of dealing with two hormonal women, being the leader in place of Mr. Arc, and missing your leader, but blowing a whistle to summon Ms. Valkyrie and sicing her on your opponent, is not a fair strategy to employ in class.



Punishment: Running with Dr. Oobleck to improve your stamina.

  * That said I celebrate your tactical thinking.




	5. The Dorm Chapter I

Once again, a message from Headmaster Ozpin -

Dear Children,

I still have hope that one day you all will come back to your senses, read the rules, and act within reason to express yourselves. But, it would seem that day is still far away, so I will put up another list of rules this week.

Also, whoever stole my coffee is in for a world of hurt.

  1. This is not a rule, but a recommendation, Team NPR is going deeper into their arcane practices so avoid going within ten yards of their dorm at night. We still have not heard back from the janitor since last week and we are starting to worry.


  * Team RWBY, we are more than willing to relocate you all to a safer dorm.
  * Please help us! All they do is play Bloodborne, watch Tool music videos, and listen to Warhammer 40k lore! They showed me one, and I still don’t understand what I saw! Then Blake went in and I haven’t seen her since. - Ruby Rose.



  1. Mr. Daichi, while I understand the want for spiritual growth, was it really necessary to create a sand garden in your room? You understand that, that the carpet is going to have to be removed, as the sand is never getting out that carpet right?



You are paying for the cleanup and recarpeting.

  * Enlightenment is a noble pursuit, but so is keeping a cleanroom.



  1. Annexing the room next to you, defeating the occupant, and taking them as a serf, just so you can have a bigger closer and keep it organized is not what most people would call ethical, Ms. Adel. You will pay for the damages and any mental trauma.


  * No, I don’t care if it’s a kink for them, it’s still wrong.
  * No, you are not the High Queen of the Second-Years Ms. Adel.
  * Really, a coup, Ms. Adel? And a frankly pathetic one at that, I’ve seen better ones from the first years.



  1. Whoever keeps building doors that lead to nowhere, please cut it out, this has been the most work Nurse Woodgrove has had in nearly two decades, and she is getting tired of resetting noses.



37\. The stairs are not a mattress slide, this is the third time someone has been knocked out of a window because someone hit them with a mattress, that was being reinforced with aura for whatever reason. So, Team RWBY, please cut it out before I toss you all off my tower.

  * Surprise landing strategy test only works because I do it, Ms. Rose.



  1. Windows are meant to be gently opened, not smashed open, or jumped through at your conveniences. Qrow, Peter, you are paying for those windows, all of them!


  * You thought that your nieces where in danger only works so many times, Qrow you are not getting out of this one.
  * Peter, I know you just did it for fun, and to get out of teaching the first years. You know the drill by now.



  1. Mr. Bronzewing, just because the rest of your team is on a manhunt does not mean you should toss out their belongings into the hallway and order a king-size bed. I have it on good authority that they are still alive, and I do believe they will be quite enraged with you once they get back.



  1. Please Avoid Room 108 in the west wing, till we can get a priest to exorcise it. We’ve already had three possessions and a double orgy manslaughter.


  * No, Miss Xiao-Long punching it won’t get rid of the ghost.
  * No, Miss Valkyrie shooting grenades won’t get rid of the ghost.
  * No, Telekinesis won’t work on ghosts, Ms. Goodwitch.
  * Yes, screaming in fear and running away is the right course of action Mr. Vasilias




	6. The Faunus Chapter I

A note from Headmaster Ozpin -

Children it appears we live in dark times as of now, I have been made aware of the fact we have been infiltrated by a clandestine organization known as the White Fang who wishes for nothing but the downfall of humanity and any Faunus who stand by their side. Be wary, be alert, as I post these rules.

  1. Ms. Amitola, you are not a student here, please leave, or be removed by force. Also Ms. Amitola, you may not be a student here but you are subjected to the same sexual harassment rules.


  * Please stop breaking into the girl's locker room, blending in with walls, and… Well, enjoying a date with a rosy hand.
  * Also, stop breaking into Team JNPR’s dorm on panty raids.
  * That picture of a blonde girl isn't a blonde girl, it's a boy named Jaune Arc. By the way, have you seen him?
  * It appears I’ve broken her.



  1. For the foreseeable future, it is now illegal to wear a mask on campus, any who do will be tackled to the ground and pepper-sprayed.


  * I’ve also deputized Yang Xiao-Long, Nora Valkyrie, Coco Adel, and Lie Ren to take care of any suspicious activity. Careful children, they all have pent up issues.



  1. White Fang operatives are not students at this academy, barring former agents like Ms. Belladonna if you see one please introduce them to exit, or the business end of your weapon.


  * No Ms. Belladonna it’s not discrimination, if there was a human supremacy group trying to infiltrate Beacon I’d put up a similar rule.
  * Not to say you cannot have a peaceful Faunus support group if you feel inclined to make one here at Beacon you have my full support, or you could join Ms. Scarletinas group, I attend once a month as she makes quite delightful hot chocolate and snickerdoodles.
  * . . . There’s a Faunus support group at Beacon? - Nightshade Ninja.



  1. Children, if someone knocks at your door at four in the morning and asks if you have a moment to spare to talk about “ Our messiah and revolutionary leader, Adam Taurus?” they are white fang, hurt them, children, hurt them badly, but hurt them quietly, and make sure they don’t scream so that they don’t wake anybody else up at that ungodly hour.



  1. Ms. Belladonna, please stop complaining, the White Fang are Terrorists, so stop trying to rationalize their actions, they are criminals and will be dealt with as such.


  * If you pick the locks on their cages again, I will break every bone in your body. I have been woken up no less than 8 times this week by these monsters, and I will gladly show you what true, sleepless terror is.



  1. Whoever planted fifty pounds of C4 in my office with spider silk, drastically underestimated me. On the other hand, you destroyed my coffee maker, so I must destroy you now.



  1. Children, I’m putting a bounty out for the White Fang Lieutenant with the Chainsaw. He keeps revving it up in the middle of the night, and I will not stand for it any longer.


  * Thank you, Ms. Nikos, I’ll make sure to pay you extra for destroying the cursed piece of machinery as well.



  1. The Faunus with the bat-wings is not a vampire, I’ve seen him flying in sunlight, so make sure not to waste time trying to shoot stakes at him, fill him with lead like you would a Grimm.



  1. Mr. Taurus, second verse same as the first, gets the hell off my campus.


  * I’d like to see you try, human scum. - Adam.
  * Alright, have it your way. I’ll give you a five-minute head start.
  * Ha, as if I’d need it, I’ll wait where I am. - Adam



_Underneath is a video link showing Ozpin mercilessly beating Adam Taurus to near death, without breaking a sweat, before handing him over to Gen. Ironwood._


End file.
